Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Pity Party for 1

I always allow myself one day to be sad, depressed, hurt and frustrated every month. Then I get over it. Yesterday I actually only spent about 6 hours wallowing in my self pity so I think I’m getting better. I have to remind myself every month that I don’t get pregnant that God has a plan. In many ways my life would be different if we had gotten pregnant the first month we tried. We would not have Lexi, we would not have bought our house, and we would not have had enough money saved up for me to be able to take some time off after the baby is born. I am thankful that God waited for me to fulfill these goals before giving us our baby. Maybe there is something else I need to fulfill before I’ll get pregnant. Or, as Julie pointed out, maybe I am supposed to have twins and the only way for it to happen is through IVF. Or, maybe God is waiting for me to do IVF because I’m going to have an extreme number of eggs and I can donate some to Julie. Who knows? What I do know is that I can’t question why God won’t give me my baby. Maybe He never will. Maybe I’m destined to die during child birth and He doesn’t want that to happen. Or maybe the child we create will have a terrible, painful illness. I definitely wouldn’t want that. I pray for a healthy baby. So I will be fine if I never get the baby I desire so badly. It will be hard but at least I know I did everything possible!

Some people question infertility treatments and say that it’s not God’s will. But I feel differently. If God doesn’t want us to have a baby then we won’t. Even if we do 15 IVF’s they just won’t work if God doesn’t allow it. So I will continue doing the only thing that I know to do… put my whole heart into trying to have a baby and take every opportunity that I can. So please keep praying for John and I to have a healthy baby! Hopefully our time will come soon!

Also, Dr Honea said that even on my perfect months I only have about the same chance of getting pregnant as a normal, fertile woman. That is 25-30% any given month. So it's like rolling a 4 sided dice on my good months and trying to get a 1. Sometimes people get it on the first roll and other times it may take 3, 4 or 5 rolls. I'm working on patience!

Check back tomorrow afternoon to find out about John’s analysis. He’s so worried about it. For you fertility virgins, heat can kill or weaken the swimmers and he had played soccer in his tight shorts the day before he gave his last “sample”. And if you recall I had to drive with it between my legs on the way to the doctor’s office so maybe I killed some of them! I sabotaged them!! Oh no! I won’t tell you what he did last night but let’s just say there was a lot of airing out that area! Haha. And I’m pretty sure he took a lukewarm shower this morning. Poor fella!

Love you guys!!
Jaime

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