Monday, October 5, 2009


I'm still not really feeling better. I only have one day left of the antibiotic so surely I have to better by tomorrow.... right? I am at work today because I figured I can either feel bad on the couch or feel bad at work. I might as well get some work done. Especially with the layoffs coming. I don't want to give them any reason to let me go first!

I mentioned my soulcysters on a post last month. There are about 12 of us who keep up with each other and give support. Kathleen is one of the ladies. She has had a terrible time. She got pregnant with twins in April and lost one due to vanishing twin syndrome at 6 weeks and the other due to parvo infection at 13 weeks. I can't even imagine! Below is how Kathleen's cycle went last month. She's a true inspiration after all of the ups and downs.

Had another follie check today. Right ovary: 14, 11, 11; Left ovary: 16, 11. So this is good. It looks like I have 2 follies maturing. I'm good with that. I'd prefer 3, but 2 is juuuust fiiiine! I'm actually allowing myself to feel optimistic about this cycle. Normally I'm pessimistic the whole time to prepare myself for disappointment, but this time I'm gonna go ahead and allow myself to have hope!

I am so angry with myself right now. Yesterday, I had a 14, a 16, and 2 11's. Today, after not having enough medicine last night due to my own stupidity, I have an 11, a 12, and a 19. So, I'm ready to go, but with only ONE follicle. I'm so annoyed and upset. It seems like whenever I allow myself to be optimistic, it gets thrown back in my face. I finally felt optimistic about my pregnancy when I heard the baby's heart at home with my doppler around 12.5 weeks. I actually told myself "Stop worrying, Kathleen. You WILL have this baby." Two days later, I had my NT scan and found out he would most likely die, and four days after that I found out that he was dead. I feel like I'm never going to have a baby, and by feeling optimistic I'm just setting myself up to be heartbroken, once again. As if that wasn't bad enough, these cycles are coming out costing us close to $1000 each in copays, medicine, and IUIs, and that's WITH insurance. Eventually - no, SOON - we're going to run out of money. Words cannot even begin to express how much I hate this process, how much I hate that we have to PAY to get pregnant, how much I hate the constant roller coaster of emotions.

Hi girls. Just got my 3dpo progesterone test results. Only 6.5. Better than last cycle (which was 4.5, I believe), but not terribly high either.

Well, ladies, I'm home from vacation. It was a wonderful getaway: perfect weather, peace and solitude, and plenty of relaxation. I could feel the stress and anxiety melt away as soon as we got there. Oh yeah. And I'm pregnant!!!!!!
I cried-no sobbed-tears of joy, with my body shaking, for a good 15 minutes when that "Pregnant" came up. I was flooded with so many emotions.

Hopefully I will have a story like this to tell soon!

1 comment:

  1. I currently have tears in my eyes...I'm praying for your friend Kathleen that this pregnancy will go to term! As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers as well.


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