Tuesday, February 23, 2010

We all have a bad day every now and then

I'll be honest...Yesterday was a pretty tough day for John and for me. John is having a tough time with the car situation. He CANNOT make a decision! He agonized for weeks over the lights that will go in the kitchen. I mean AGONIZED! He finally came to me and said he couldn't do it. It was left to me. I think he may get to that point with the car. He asks me to look at no less than 15 cars per day. I told him to narrow it down to 2 or 3 and I would help him make the decision.

I had a hard day because I found out they hired someone else for the job I wanted. The guy said he thinks I should do something more tax related. I guess he was scared that I would come in and work for a little while and then decide to go back to tax. I've been asked about that two or three times in interviews. It makes sense. I have a Master's in Tax and tax jobs usually make more money. But I don't want just a straight tax job. I would love to find a mixture. That looks to be more difficult than I thought.

  • Fertility News: I also got my blood work back. My FSH is still 11.6. It has to be below 12.5 to stay in the shared risk plan but I've read many places that say anything above 10 means pre-ovarian failure. Also, I only had 9 antral follicles where I need 12 to stay in shared risk. I hope that after I've been on the BCPs a while and my cysts go away, that a few more will pop up. I'm just really scared this isn't going to work. So yesterday was another come-to-terms day that I may never have a child. I have these days every now and then where I truly try to imagine my life without a child. It's weird but every time it's a little easier. When John and I first got married I thought I would die if I couldn't have a child. Then time moved along and I decided that I wouldn't die but I would always be sad. Then more time passed I thought that I could still be happy most of the time but would always feel like something was missing. I'm to the point now where I know I'll be sad every now and then but I truly think I'll be ok. If you had told me 2 1/2 years ago that I would be saying that I would be ok not to have children I would NOT have believed you. But I guess it's the brain's way of coping. I'm not giving up yet. I'm going to give it all I've got! But if it doesn't work... at least I know I'll be fine. :)



  1. I'm sorry you had a tough day. It's okay to be sad sometimes.

  2. Jaime, the same thought when through my mind just a few months ago. You just reach that point where you are completely mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. This is the time when friends and loved ones get to lift you up though. Better days will come, and life will redeem itself-somehow! The uncertainty was always the hardest for me, but the constant feeling of defeat was a close second. I am praying for you, which I know a lot of people say, but I truly do believe God hears prayers, and the more the merrier! You are not alone in this!

  3. My Darling Sis,

    it is definately Ok to have a bad / sad day every now and again but please reach out and call someone if so. You have so much support around you and we are all constantly praying! Although I am sure that you Will in fact be carrying my little niece or nephew in the coming months it is healthy to think of the what if's. It doesn't mean you will give up or try any less... It just shows that you are the typical accountant type that plans and strategized each and every move, like a great chess player. I think it is a protection mechanism and it helps to carefully plan out each move. Also victory is that much sweeter when you have overcome defeat! There will never be any question to this child that you didn't fight the hardest battle of your life to bring them into this world. Keep plotting and planning your hard work will pay off. We love you!


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