Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What To Say

I think that's the question on everyone's mind... including my own. And my poor husband's. When I called to tell him yesterday he said, "Are you ok? Well of course you're not ok... Is there anything you need? I mean, can I..." long silence... "I'm sorry." He's so sweet. He came home and stared at me most of the night. I don't know if he thought I was going to spontaneously combust if he took his eyes off me but I finally had to tell him to stop it. I'm sure I looked beautiful with mascara running down my red, puffy face. Especially since the progesterone is breaking out my skin like a prepubescent teenager. Lovely.

If you're wondering how I was able to post at 3:30 it's because I had to leave work early. My plan of throwing myself into work went out the window when I was still waiting for a phone call at 2pm. The pressure built up and I ended up having a good, long cry in the bathroom. I pulled myself together long enough (or so I thought) to go ask my bosses if I could leave early. I got out one word and started crying again... How embarrassing! I hate to cry in front of people! I usually won't even let John see me cry and here I am sobbing like a hot mess in my boss's office. (Camilla & Emily - If you guys are still reading I'm sorry about that!) They are both ladies (around my age) and were great about it. At least I didn't have to cry in front of a man! I couldn't show my face again!

As for today: The sun came up, the world kept spinning, and I got back to my routine. The more I think about it the happier I am about the fact that I actually got pregnant. I haven't been pregnant since December 2008 and I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. Even though it didn't last long, it was a wonderful experience that I don't regret. I think it would have been even worse to go through all of that and not even get the excitement of a positive pregnancy test! So I'm trying to have a better outlook and be thankful for the things I do have.

Thank you so much for the beautiful and thoughtful words to all who posted. And thanks to the people who didn't post because you just didn't know what to say... We know you were thinking of us. There are no words to make us feel better or to take the hurt away but I know with time it will subside. For now I don't want to talk about it. I have no idea why my brain is okay with writing about it but my mouth can't seem to spit out a sentence. It's weird. So if you see us or call us (please do by the way) keep it normal. We're just regular people trying to return to our normal lives.

We love you guys!!

3 comments:

  1. I'm so very sorry! I too went through 3 chemical pregnancies. It is heart wrenching! I do hope you're successful on your next cycle. Do you have any frozen embies left? I am so glad you're finding solace in the fact that you were pregnant. It is such a miracle even though it was short lived. I am thinking of you.

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  2. I know what you mean by 'keep it normal'. Sometimes it is the sympathy and dwelling on the issue by others that makes us hurt the most. It must be so difficult spreading the sad news. I'm happy that you are looking at the bright side that you were able to get pregnant. That is a step in the right direction. Blessings,

    ~Jess
    http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

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