Monday, May 30, 2011

One more day please!

I'm not ready for this weekend to end! 3 days just wasn't enough!

Friday night we met my brother and his wife to see Hangover 2. So funny! That was part of John's birthday present since it didn't come out until Thursday. Saturday John had his soccer tournament but they lost. Poor fellas.

Saturday night I went with Heather and Stacey to see Zac Brown Band. It was such a good show and so much fun!

Sunday we may have gone a little crazy with the shopping. I got a Coach purse, a dress, several tops and some new sandals. John got some stuff too but I was much more concerned with my finds. Finally today we went over to a soccer buddy of John's house.
They ended up playing woofle ball because these guys have to make everything a competition. Check out that form!
xxoo

Friday, May 27, 2011

Events

1) Happy Anniversary to Mom and Dad Z! We wish you many more years of happiness together.
2) Happy Birthday to Dan! We hope you have a great day!
3) Good Luck to my talented husband tomorrow! He's playing in a soccer championship!

We're looking forward to seeing all of our Canadian friends and family soon! Love you guys!

Xxoo

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My non-telepathic husband

In hindsight I suppose I should have discussed with my husband why I was crying so much last week. I overestimated his ability to telepathically reach into my brain and know why I was hurting. He thought I was just down about the cycle and infertility in general. He didn't realize I was letting go. So the other night we were having a discussion about adoption and foster care. He finally stopped me and said, "Why are you talking like that?" I replied, "Like what?" And he said, "Like we have no other options." I said, "What other options are there?" He glared at me for a long time and finally told me that he's not ready to give up. I wasn't prepared for that. Of course I will continue for as long as it takes him to get ready. He would do the same for me if he was ready to give up but I wasn't. I had already planned to do one last cycle to give that right ovary one more shot but I'm just not fully vested in it. I can tell John is. Regardless... we're starting another cycle at the end of June. I can't promise that I will be pumped and optimistic about it but I'll give it another try. The hormones and needles aren't so bad; it's the roller coaster of emotions that gets me. I'm going to try really hard not to get swept away this time. I'll just take my meds, go to my appointments and try to relax.

xxoo

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Weekend

Even though most of our weekend was spent apart, John and I both had good weekends. John spent the weekend in Nashville watching Tristan play softball. Lexi and I stayed home and relaxed. I went to dinner with HT Saturday night, Sunday brunch with Jess and some of her friends, and then I drove to Tuscaloosa to ride the horses. I don't know if you consider being led on a horse by your sister actually riding a horse... but I consider it riding. Here's a picture revealing my inner cow girl. All I need are boots and a cowboy hat!

And here is a video of Tristan hitting a double. Go Tristan!




xxoo

Friday, May 20, 2011

A New Day

Something clicked yesterday. I checked my email and noticed I had a comment on my post (thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers yesterday) so I decided to re-read my post. I was so upset while I was writing it that I decided I better give it a look to make sure it made sense. While I was reading it I made the decision that I'm done wallowing in self pity about this. I have mourned and it's time to move on. Once I made that decision I read the comment from my dear reader who recently adopted and the comment from my friend who received her lovely daughter through adoption. I know that once I have that baby in my life it won't matter that he/she doesn't have our genetics. I will love that child with everything I have no matter what.

Then I had another moment. I realized now that we've let go of this dream we can start building our new dream. And apparently there are some options out there that could put a baby in our house in only a few months! It is so weird to go from infertility (the endless unknowing) to this new dream where we have a REAL time-line. It may take as long as two years or as short as a few months but no matter what... we will have a child. Amazing.

Today is the love of my life's birthday! Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband! I didn't think it was possible to love someone as I much I love him. Just a look from him can make me melt.

xxoo

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Struggling

I have not been doing so well the past week. I keep thinking it will get better but it seems to be getting worse. To keep this blog honest (and to get out some emotions) I've decided to write a rare sad post. Avert your eyes if you're here for my usual, upbeat optimism.

I feel like it's getting very close to the end. I always wondered when I would know it was time... but it just sort of comes to you. Each woman is different but my limit appears to be 4 years, six surgeries, three losses, losing a tube, hospitalization, and countless tears. I think I may have cried more tears in the past week than I did with my first miscarriage. I was losing a child then but now I'm losing a dream. A dream to carry my husband's child. I started thinking about our children the moment I met John. What they would look like, who's attitude and mannerisms they would have... And now that dream is dying. I'm letting go of it. But I'm not letting go of the dream to have children. We're exploring our options of surrogacy, adoption or foster care. It's a tough decision and I'm terrible at making life altering decisions. I agonize over them. Surrogacy through an agency is ridiculously expensive (to the tune of $75k ridiculous.) My sister is the only person I know who might be up to the challenge of carrying our baby but she has the same autoimmune issues that I have so that's a bust. We can't adopt through an agency because I have Lupus on my record (I still don't think I have it so I'm in the works of getting a second opinion.) John is not so on board with foster care because the child can be taken away at anytime before the adoption is complete. That leaves private adoption. Private adoption means John and I would find the baby and then go through lawyers to finalize the process. That sounds all fine and dandy except HOW DO YOU FIND THE BABY? I heard from one lady that she placed ads in penny savers all over the U.S. John has already suggested standing outside of schools looking for pregnant teenagers. So if anybody knows a mother thinking about adoption please let us know.

I know that my friends and family reading this will want to call me to talk about it.... I just can't. I can't even talk to John. He knows I'm upset and he knows why so there's no reason to discuss it further. The deep sadness will have to pass on it's own... hopefully soon. It's extremely difficult right now because my boss just had a baby on Sunday. She got pregnant at the exact same time as my frozen embryo transfer which means if that pregnancy had stuck I would be a new mom right now. So every time someone at the office brings up her, or her baby, or her delivery... it just reminds me that I should have a baby right now. I should have THREE babies!

I do truly appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.
xxoo

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Jacksonville

We just got back from Jacksonville. Driving 16 hours in 48 hours is tough! We didn't get to do anything other than softball while we were there. We didn't even see the beach! We got down there Friday night at about 10 pm and we were at the ball field Saturday morning by 9am. We were there for a few hours when it started raining. It rained so hard they canceled the tournament for the rest of the day. So we went back today and ended up losing in the championship game. It was such a heart breaker because they played so well! Tristan made several GREAT plays and had some great hits too. Of course, every time I whipped out my camera nothing would happen. I did get a video of this one great throw down to first base. If the first baseman would have caught it (I'm sure she didn't because I was jinxing her with my camera) it would have have been a wonderful out.


Next weekend is Nashville but I think I'll let John take that trip alone. This weekend wore me out! Hopefully he'll just drive up Saturday morning so we'll be able to have dinner Friday night for his birthday!

xxoo

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Blogiversary

I can't believe it has already been two years! Furthermore, I can't believe I'm still not pregnant! Thanks to all those who have hung in there for the ups and downs. Hopefully two years from now I'll be blogging about diaper changes and sweet baby smiles.

I went to the doctor yesterday and my levels looked good. However, I did have a 3 cm cyst and a 2 cm cyst on the right side. I had "something that looked like a cyst on the left" but it wasn't attached to the ovary. Interesting. Anyway, I start birth control pills tomorrow to begin a whole new cycle.

xxoo

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Clarification

Just to clarify... My wonderful husband doesn't blame me for any of this. I blame me. When I re-read my post I made it sound like he was being mean to me but he definitely wasn't. He's a great hubby and has been so supportive!
I didn't cry because of him... I cried because I felt like I let him down. I know he doesn't feel that way but I sure do. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I cleared that up. I don't want you guys to think he's yelling at me and making me cry!

xxoo

Not Pregnant

Those were the words I got when I broke down and took a test. I was prepared for the false positive. I told myself I wouldn't get too excited if it said pregnant. But I HAD to know. WELL - I didn't need to worry about that false positive. I got a big fat "Not Pregnant". Those digital tests should read "it's not your time yet" or "maybe next cycle" or something else other than "Not Pregnant." I guess they want to be very clear.

I was kind of numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get mad. I just thought, "of course I'm not pregnant." I didn't get upset until I had to tell John. He overreacted and yelled, "Don't those moron doctors know what they're doing? Do they ever get anybody pregnant?" He was so upset. I responded, "Yes they get people pregnant... just not me" and I left. I cried all the way to work. I knew he was upset and it was my fault. The doctors didn't fail us... my body did. I know that getting angry and wanting to blame someone is his way of dealing with the pain and I don't fault him for it. I internalize and he get's mad. Whatever works. I just feel so terrible because I know that it's my stupid body that's causing all of the pain! And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

So... I don't want to talk about it. I don't need anything.... except for life to carry on as usual. Thank you so much for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. I love you all so much!

On to better news! Today is my nephew's birthday! Happy Birthday Mark!

xxoo

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there! I was treated to breakfast this morning by my darling husband because I'm Lexi's mom. :) Today is also Tristan's birthday. She turned 13. I can't believe it! A teenager!

I read the below post on a different blog. It does a pretty good job of detailing my thoughts on suffering through infertility and becoming a mother. While I don't really know that I will be a better mother than someone who didn't have to suffer for it (I know many mothers who are fabulous moms that didn't have to struggle!), I do know that I will appreciate every moment with my child! I can't wait!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

xxoo

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Our anniversary

We went out to eat last night in celebration of our anniversary. We went to La Dulce Vita and it was DELISH! The hubs got the lasagna and I got the special which was salmon stuffed with pancetta, spinach and mascarpone on a bed of risotto and asparagus. Jeez Louise! It was so good!

Fertility News: I don't really feel differently as far as a pregnancy. Some women say they know the second it happens. If this cycle did work then the little bambino should have implanted sometime in the past three days. The progesterone I take twice/day makes me bloated, gives me headaches and makes me feel overall yucky. Only a few more days until I can find out if it worked! May 12th which, coincidentally, is the 2 year anniversary of my blog. At least if this cycle didn't work... the consolation price is that I get to stop the progesterone!

We have a busy couple of months ahead of us. We have a trip to Jacksonville, Florida and Nashville back to back weekends for softball. We also booked our flight to Canada at the end of June! So exciting!

xxoo

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Four Years

Four years ago today was one of the best days of my life. Not only did I marry the man of my dreams, but I also gained a beautiful, smart, funny, and thoughtful stepdaughter! Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband and to Tristan too!

xxoo

Monday, May 2, 2011

Tuscaloosa Video

The guy who makes videos to pump up Alabama Football made a video of the tornado. It's unbelievable that all of that happened in my hometown. This was the deadliest storm since 1925. Please continue to keep them in your prayers.

You can see the video here.

John and I went to Walmart and Costco Sunday. Almost every person in line was buying items for the storm victims. I know that Southerners are typically thought of as kind and considerate people but this just proves how much! I'm so proud of the overwhelming love and compassion pouring out of my great state!

xxoo

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Comfort

This morning's service, led by Mari Beth, moved me so much that I must blog about it. The sermon was tackling the question, What Happens After Death. Toward the end she announced that she suffered a miscarriage earlier this week. Of course I immediately started crying after being blindsided with this news. She is so brave to get up and speak about this in front of a thousand people. It's one thing to write about it but it's entirely different to stand up and speak. Then she said the MOST comforting words I have ever received. She said that we would see our babies again in Heaven and have a perfect relationship with them. Wow! What faith and comfort! I had not thought of it that way before. I know that my 3 babies are in heaven but I thought since I never met them that I wouldn't know them in Heaven. I just never really thought about the fact that I would see them again. I just took comfort in the fact that they are with God now and never had to feel hurt, pain, sorrow or sin. But to think that I will actually get to meet them in Heaven and they will know me and I will know them fills my heart with joy. Actually, right before she made her announcement, she was describing Heaven. I was thinking that I wouldn't feel complete because I wouldn't have children to spend the rest of eternity with. It's like she heard my thoughts and answered me.

Now I have another dilemma. I'm praying... and praying... and praying... tears running down my face praying... actually more like pleading... for God to finally let me give birth to a healthy child. But I feel so guilty. With all of the tragedy and devastation across the south I feel so guilty for praying for myself. I do pray for all of the people who were affected by these storms but my Strong prayers are for a baby. So I'm trying to put my own wants aside and think of the victims... the people who lost everything... the people who lost loved ones... maybe their children. I'm going to give them my Strong prayers.

xxoo

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