Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
2) Happy Birthday to Dan! We hope you have a great day!
3) Good Luck to my talented husband tomorrow! He's playing in a soccer championship!
We're looking forward to seeing all of our Canadian friends and family soon! Love you guys!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
And here is a video of Tristan hitting a double. Go Tristan!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Then I had another moment. I realized now that we've let go of this dream we can start building our new dream. And apparently there are some options out there that could put a baby in our house in only a few months! It is so weird to go from infertility (the endless unknowing) to this new dream where we have a REAL time-line. It may take as long as two years or as short as a few months but no matter what... we will have a child. Amazing.
Today is the love of my life's birthday! Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband! I didn't think it was possible to love someone as I much I love him. Just a look from him can make me melt.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I feel like it's getting very close to the end. I always wondered when I would know it was time... but it just sort of comes to you. Each woman is different but my limit appears to be 4 years, six surgeries, three losses, losing a tube, hospitalization, and countless tears. I think I may have cried more tears in the past week than I did with my first miscarriage. I was losing a child then but now I'm losing a dream. A dream to carry my husband's child. I started thinking about our children the moment I met John. What they would look like, who's attitude and mannerisms they would have... And now that dream is dying. I'm letting go of it. But I'm not letting go of the dream to have children. We're exploring our options of surrogacy, adoption or foster care. It's a tough decision and I'm terrible at making life altering decisions. I agonize over them. Surrogacy through an agency is ridiculously expensive (to the tune of $75k ridiculous.) My sister is the only person I know who might be up to the challenge of carrying our baby but she has the same autoimmune issues that I have so that's a bust. We can't adopt through an agency because I have Lupus on my record (I still don't think I have it so I'm in the works of getting a second opinion.) John is not so on board with foster care because the child can be taken away at anytime before the adoption is complete. That leaves private adoption. Private adoption means John and I would find the baby and then go through lawyers to finalize the process. That sounds all fine and dandy except HOW DO YOU FIND THE BABY? I heard from one lady that she placed ads in penny savers all over the U.S. John has already suggested standing outside of schools looking for pregnant teenagers. So if anybody knows a mother thinking about adoption please let us know.
I know that my friends and family reading this will want to call me to talk about it.... I just can't. I can't even talk to John. He knows I'm upset and he knows why so there's no reason to discuss it further. The deep sadness will have to pass on it's own... hopefully soon. It's extremely difficult right now because my boss just had a baby on Sunday. She got pregnant at the exact same time as my frozen embryo transfer which means if that pregnancy had stuck I would be a new mom right now. So every time someone at the office brings up her, or her baby, or her delivery... it just reminds me that I should have a baby right now. I should have THREE babies!
I do truly appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Next weekend is Nashville but I think I'll let John take that trip alone. This weekend wore me out! Hopefully he'll just drive up Saturday morning so we'll be able to have dinner Friday night for his birthday!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I went to the doctor yesterday and my levels looked good. However, I did have a 3 cm cyst and a 2 cm cyst on the right side. I had "something that looked like a cyst on the left" but it wasn't attached to the ovary. Interesting. Anyway, I start birth control pills tomorrow to begin a whole new cycle.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I didn't cry because of him... I cried because I felt like I let him down. I know he doesn't feel that way but I sure do. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I cleared that up. I don't want you guys to think he's yelling at me and making me cry!
I was kind of numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get mad. I just thought, "of course I'm not pregnant." I didn't get upset until I had to tell John. He overreacted and yelled, "Don't those moron doctors know what they're doing? Do they ever get anybody pregnant?" He was so upset. I responded, "Yes they get people pregnant... just not me" and I left. I cried all the way to work. I knew he was upset and it was my fault. The doctors didn't fail us... my body did. I know that getting angry and wanting to blame someone is his way of dealing with the pain and I don't fault him for it. I internalize and he get's mad. Whatever works. I just feel so terrible because I know that it's my stupid body that's causing all of the pain! And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
So... I don't want to talk about it. I don't need anything.... except for life to carry on as usual. Thank you so much for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. I love you all so much!
On to better news! Today is my nephew's birthday! Happy Birthday Mark!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I read the below post on a different blog. It does a pretty good job of detailing my thoughts on suffering through infertility and becoming a mother. While I don't really know that I will be a better mother than someone who didn't have to suffer for it (I know many mothers who are fabulous moms that didn't have to struggle!), I do know that I will appreciate every moment with my child! I can't wait!
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Fertility News: I don't really feel differently as far as a pregnancy. Some women say they know the second it happens. If this cycle did work then the little bambino should have implanted sometime in the past three days. The progesterone I take twice/day makes me bloated, gives me headaches and makes me feel overall yucky. Only a few more days until I can find out if it worked! May 12th which, coincidentally, is the 2 year anniversary of my blog. At least if this cycle didn't work... the consolation price is that I get to stop the progesterone!
We have a busy couple of months ahead of us. We have a trip to Jacksonville, Florida and Nashville back to back weekends for softball. We also booked our flight to Canada at the end of June! So exciting!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
You can see the video here.
John and I went to Walmart and Costco Sunday. Almost every person in line was buying items for the storm victims. I know that Southerners are typically thought of as kind and considerate people but this just proves how much! I'm so proud of the overwhelming love and compassion pouring out of my great state!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Now I have another dilemma. I'm praying... and praying... and praying... tears running down my face praying... actually more like pleading... for God to finally let me give birth to a healthy child. But I feel so guilty. With all of the tragedy and devastation across the south I feel so guilty for praying for myself. I do pray for all of the people who were affected by these storms but my Strong prayers are for a baby. So I'm trying to put my own wants aside and think of the victims... the people who lost everything... the people who lost loved ones... maybe their children. I'm going to give them my Strong prayers.