Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Not Pregnant

Those were the words I got when I broke down and took a test. I was prepared for the false positive. I told myself I wouldn't get too excited if it said pregnant. But I HAD to know. WELL - I didn't need to worry about that false positive. I got a big fat "Not Pregnant". Those digital tests should read "it's not your time yet" or "maybe next cycle" or something else other than "Not Pregnant." I guess they want to be very clear.

I was kind of numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get mad. I just thought, "of course I'm not pregnant." I didn't get upset until I had to tell John. He overreacted and yelled, "Don't those moron doctors know what they're doing? Do they ever get anybody pregnant?" He was so upset. I responded, "Yes they get people pregnant... just not me" and I left. I cried all the way to work. I knew he was upset and it was my fault. The doctors didn't fail us... my body did. I know that getting angry and wanting to blame someone is his way of dealing with the pain and I don't fault him for it. I internalize and he get's mad. Whatever works. I just feel so terrible because I know that it's my stupid body that's causing all of the pain! And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

So... I don't want to talk about it. I don't need anything.... except for life to carry on as usual. Thank you so much for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. I love you all so much!

On to better news! Today is my nephew's birthday! Happy Birthday Mark!



  1. so sorry for the disappointing news:( how frustrating and emotional it can be. praying!!


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