I have not been doing so well the past week. I keep thinking it will get better but it seems to be getting worse. To keep this blog honest (and to get out some emotions) I've decided to write a rare sad post. Avert your eyes if you're here for my usual, upbeat optimism.
I feel like it's getting very close to the end. I always wondered when I would know it was time... but it just sort of comes to you. Each woman is different but my limit appears to be 4 years, six surgeries, three losses, losing a tube, hospitalization, and countless tears. I think I may have cried more tears in the past week than I did with my first miscarriage. I was losing a child then but now I'm losing a dream. A dream to carry my husband's child. I started thinking about our children the moment I met John. What they would look like, who's attitude and mannerisms they would have... And now that dream is dying. I'm letting go of it. But I'm not letting go of the dream to have children. We're exploring our options of surrogacy, adoption or foster care. It's a tough decision and I'm terrible at making life altering decisions. I agonize over them. Surrogacy through an agency is ridiculously expensive (to the tune of $75k ridiculous.) My sister is the only person I know who might be up to the challenge of carrying our baby but she has the same autoimmune issues that I have so that's a bust. We can't adopt through an agency because I have Lupus on my record (I still don't think I have it so I'm in the works of getting a second opinion.) John is not so on board with foster care because the child can be taken away at anytime before the adoption is complete. That leaves private adoption. Private adoption means John and I would find the baby and then go through lawyers to finalize the process. That sounds all fine and dandy except HOW DO YOU FIND THE BABY? I heard from one lady that she placed ads in penny savers all over the U.S. John has already suggested standing outside of schools looking for pregnant teenagers. So if anybody knows a mother thinking about adoption please let us know.
I know that my friends and family reading this will want to call me to talk about it.... I just can't. I can't even talk to John. He knows I'm upset and he knows why so there's no reason to discuss it further. The deep sadness will have to pass on it's own... hopefully soon. It's extremely difficult right now because my boss just had a baby on Sunday. She got pregnant at the exact same time as my frozen embryo transfer which means if that pregnancy had stuck I would be a new mom right now. So every time someone at the office brings up her, or her baby, or her delivery... it just reminds me that I should have a baby right now. I should have THREE babies!
I do truly appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.