Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Struggling

I have not been doing so well the past week. I keep thinking it will get better but it seems to be getting worse. To keep this blog honest (and to get out some emotions) I've decided to write a rare sad post. Avert your eyes if you're here for my usual, upbeat optimism.

I feel like it's getting very close to the end. I always wondered when I would know it was time... but it just sort of comes to you. Each woman is different but my limit appears to be 4 years, six surgeries, three losses, losing a tube, hospitalization, and countless tears. I think I may have cried more tears in the past week than I did with my first miscarriage. I was losing a child then but now I'm losing a dream. A dream to carry my husband's child. I started thinking about our children the moment I met John. What they would look like, who's attitude and mannerisms they would have... And now that dream is dying. I'm letting go of it. But I'm not letting go of the dream to have children. We're exploring our options of surrogacy, adoption or foster care. It's a tough decision and I'm terrible at making life altering decisions. I agonize over them. Surrogacy through an agency is ridiculously expensive (to the tune of $75k ridiculous.) My sister is the only person I know who might be up to the challenge of carrying our baby but she has the same autoimmune issues that I have so that's a bust. We can't adopt through an agency because I have Lupus on my record (I still don't think I have it so I'm in the works of getting a second opinion.) John is not so on board with foster care because the child can be taken away at anytime before the adoption is complete. That leaves private adoption. Private adoption means John and I would find the baby and then go through lawyers to finalize the process. That sounds all fine and dandy except HOW DO YOU FIND THE BABY? I heard from one lady that she placed ads in penny savers all over the U.S. John has already suggested standing outside of schools looking for pregnant teenagers. So if anybody knows a mother thinking about adoption please let us know.

I know that my friends and family reading this will want to call me to talk about it.... I just can't. I can't even talk to John. He knows I'm upset and he knows why so there's no reason to discuss it further. The deep sadness will have to pass on it's own... hopefully soon. It's extremely difficult right now because my boss just had a baby on Sunday. She got pregnant at the exact same time as my frozen embryo transfer which means if that pregnancy had stuck I would be a new mom right now. So every time someone at the office brings up her, or her baby, or her delivery... it just reminds me that I should have a baby right now. I should have THREE babies!

I do truly appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.
xxoo

4 comments:

  1. Hi, My name is Liz Terrell and I am not sure I remember how I came to your blog. I am in the Birmingham area as well. I would love to share how we adopted with you, but I don't want to force anything on you that you might not want to hear right now. Just say the word and I will give you some resources to look at. I can't say that I am at the point of giving up our dream to have biological children, but I was definitely at a point to give the doctors a big ol break. In the mean time we have a 4 month old precious African American son. You are welcome to venture over to our blog and scroll down to find the "short" version of our story (early February). But it is only the adoption story not how we actually found out about him. I think it might be something you could do as far as your medicals and it all happened very fast. The "wait" was about a month and then once we found out about him it was 38 hours. I know they don't all happen like that, but it can. Also depends on what you are open to. Prayers out to you. I hate the heartache and I know God is aching with you. Please to don't be afraid to ask me anything. If e-mail is better it is terrell.elizabeth@gmail.com.
    Liz

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chad and I know what a difficult decision it is to transition to adoption. We are very blessed with our sweet Emily. Please do not give up on agency adoption due to your Lupus medical history especially if you can get a second opinion. I just read on our agency's website that they take each couple case by case. Being cancer free for 5 years is the main health requirement they have for domestic adoption. From the time we were approved it took 13 months to adopt. Here is the link to our agency in Texas - A very popular state to adopt from and very adoption friendly for the couple. Legally a very sound agency which was our main concern. The laws you follow are TX law and not AL law. http://adoptionsbygladney.com/index.html

    We also bought Adoption for Dummies book. I know it sounds silly but the book was VERY resourceful in educating us on the state laws etc.

    I will continue to pray for you guys and know you can call me anytime.

    Candace

    ReplyDelete
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