It was Monday, November 7th, only two weeks after we started being shown by AH. I was in my bosses offices at 4pm and when I came back to my desk I had a missed call and a message. I listened as a caseworker told me that we were chosen by a birth mother. I sit in a room with three other people so I tried to restrain the tears and screaming. I immediately jumped up and ran to the closest room... my bosses offices. By this point I had tears streaming down my face. She looked at me in shock and asked what was wrong. I tried to say "we've been chosen" but it must have sounded like "wvlkisj blikjn chlksne" because she told me to take a breath and try again. Ok... breath... we've... breath.... been... breath... chosen. She squealed and I squealed and then we hugged. I then realized that I haven't even told my husband. I left her office and headed to the bathroom to call the Hubs.
He couldn't believe it and made me say it about 5 times. The caseworker sent us an email with information about the birth mom so he opened it and started reading. It was a little boy and he was 4 months old. We both paused a moment; we were expecting a newborn. We decided to look over the information together when we got home. I got home an hour before him so I peeked at the email. There was a picture. I opened it and instantly fell in love. He looked just like my husband. I felt like this was meant to be. We were chosen so quickly and he looked just like John. It was perfect.
Once John got home we read everything together and called our case worker to say we were interested. She told us that we were the BM's first choice and she was excited to talk to us. I tried extremely hard to stay grounded. I couldn't get too excited until we were sure this was actually going to happen. John, however, was over the moon. I'll never forget him texting me on Tuesday to ask if I had looked at the picture 100 times that day like he had. I hadn't. I was trying so hard to remain cautious.
The case worker set an appointment for us to call the BM Friday night. That week seemed like it would never end! Everyday that passed was another day of his life we missed. We were SO nervous when it was finally time to call on Friday. I thought my heart would beat out of my chest! We sat down, put the phone on speaker and called. Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Voicemail. Voicemail?? That's not a good sign. I called the case worker and told her what happened. She said she would try to call her and get back with us. Hours passed with no news.
To this day we still don't really know what happened. She wouldn't return the caseworkers calls or emails so we assume she changed her mind. I can't blame her for it. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to place a child for adoption much less a child that you've bonded with for four months.
We were brokenhearted (and still are a bit) but we know that this child wasn't meant to be ours. Once we do find our child we will be so thankful that it worked out the way it did. We will look at our child and know that everything we went through was worth it. It's just so hard to remember that now while we're still muddling through all of the murky waters.
So now we wait. We wait for our second call. I'm scared that we won't be as excited next time. It feels like infertility all over again. How we were robbed of being excited when we saw a positive test because of the fear. One thing that doesn't scare me anymore is the thought that we won't have a child. Adoption has given me that and it is that gift that keeps me going through all of the lows.