Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Reflecting

These days time seems to be flying by... slipping right through my fingers.  Little Big Man was a full blown toddler as of Sunday.  I finally gave in and stopped the night bottle.  He was ready.  He had absolutely no issue going to a sippy cup.  Sigh.  That was his last baby thing.  I clung to it for dear life but I knew it was time.  A lot of people I know can't relate to this.  They tell me how excited they were to be off bottles.  I am excited that he's growing up into such an independent young man but I am so sad to be out of the baby phase.  He will more than likely be my one and only baby. It's hard to see him grow up so fast. 

I also have been reflecting about his first few months.  I squandered those months with fear, anxiety and doubt.  I cried every single day once we got home and I was home alone with him all day.  First, I am not a sit at home all day type of person.  But that really wasn't it.  I was so scared.  I was scared that he would start crying and not stop.  I'm not really sure why I was so scared of that but I was.  SCARED.  So every time he so much as whimpered I would run to him.  I pretty much held him from the second John left for work until he returned home.  I barely ate, barely drank and sleep was minimal.  I was a wreck.  I should have been enjoying those months but I was crippled by fear.  And it wasn't just about the crying. I had so much doubt.  I thought that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong.  He had a lot of tummy issues and I felt like I was failing him as a mother.  I was also terrified that he would die.  Not only would my family and John's family be devastated.  I would have to explain it to a woman who trusted me to raise her child. 

It has taken me a while to realize why I was so stressed during that time.  I also had tremendous guilt because I wasn't fully enjoying my time with him.  Don't get me wrong... I loved him to pieces.  I just felt like I could have a panic attack most of the day. When I was finally able to get consistent sleep and adequate nutrition, I started thinking more clearly.  I slowly pulled myself out of the fog.  And I've been trying to make up for that lost time ever since.  Not that he knew any of this.  He knew that I fed him when he was hungry, changed his diaper when needed and held him pretty much all day.  He probably thought I was GREAT! HA!

I wanted to share this because I'm not sure if it was due to him being adopted. Or maybe I would have reacted that way if I had given birth.  Either way I felt like I was the only one who ever had these thoughts.  So I'm putting it out there to bring a little comfort to other new moms who may feel down.  Hang in there, it gets so much better!

Wrestling my monkey to get some pants on him.

This outfit is so true!
 

Happy Birthday to Mom Z tomorrow!  We wish you a wonderful birthday and can't wait to see you in June!

xxoo

3 comments:

  1. Terrified pretty sums up my first months home with the triplets as well. I was just reflecting, myself, the other day on how different I am now. I'm much less scared and slightly less worried that I'm failing my children. Motherhood is a beautiful, scary, and life altering experience. Things will never be the same, and believe it or not...we would have it no other way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wanted to say what an inspiration your blog has been for me. I found your blog through Pinterest and I was so drawn to your story. My husband and I are going through infertility treatments. It is and continues to be a long road. I was giving up hope and God intervened. Your blog has truly put me at peace by knowing that his plan is way better and bigger than mine. Your precious baby is proof of that. God bless you and your family. I just wanted you to know how much you've helped me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can totally relate to the crying, crippled with fear, and feeling like I was doing everything wrong! I love you!

    ReplyDelete


Free Counters from SimpleCount.com

Viewers since 2/12/10