I also have been reflecting about his first few months. I squandered those months with fear, anxiety and doubt. I cried every single day once we got home and I was home alone with him all day. First, I am not a sit at home all day type of person. But that really wasn't it. I was so scared. I was scared that he would start crying and not stop. I'm not really sure why I was so scared of that but I was. SCARED. So every time he so much as whimpered I would run to him. I pretty much held him from the second John left for work until he returned home. I barely ate, barely drank and sleep was minimal. I was a wreck. I should have been enjoying those months but I was crippled by fear. And it wasn't just about the crying. I had so much doubt. I thought that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. He had a lot of tummy issues and I felt like I was failing him as a mother. I was also terrified that he would die. Not only would my family and John's family be devastated. I would have to explain it to a woman who trusted me to raise her child.
It has taken me a while to realize why I was so stressed during that time. I also had tremendous guilt because I wasn't fully enjoying my time with him. Don't get me wrong... I loved him to pieces. I just felt like I could have a panic attack most of the day. When I was finally able to get consistent sleep and adequate nutrition, I started thinking more clearly. I slowly pulled myself out of the fog. And I've been trying to make up for that lost time ever since. Not that he knew any of this. He knew that I fed him when he was hungry, changed his diaper when needed and held him pretty much all day. He probably thought I was GREAT! HA!
I wanted to share this because I'm not sure if it was due to him being adopted. Or maybe I would have reacted that way if I had given birth. Either way I felt like I was the only one who ever had these thoughts. So I'm putting it out there to bring a little comfort to other new moms who may feel down. Hang in there, it gets so much better!
|Wrestling my monkey to get some pants on him.|
|This outfit is so true!|
Happy Birthday to Mom Z tomorrow! We wish you a wonderful birthday and can't wait to see you in June!